


stages of falling out of love

by ultomorrow



Series: stages of love [2]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Break Up, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Playlist, Post-Break Up, Series, im so bad at tags, im sorry, kinda personal
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-29
Updated: 2019-07-29
Packaged: 2020-07-24 21:42:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,645
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20021488
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ultomorrow/pseuds/ultomorrow
Summary: Donghyuck knows he can't go on, but the emotions are too much to handle





	stages of falling out of love

**Author's Note:**

> this is the last story in this series and i made this sad and emotional for a reason, there is a playlist that goes along with the mood of the story  
> [playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2cJC89FagIft23flQ6ghtp?si=m1hvkaxfRJuBvH4yFzef8g)
> 
> please enjoy!

_Stage 1: The loss of the butterflies_  
When they first started dating the butterflies that fluttered in donghyuk belly where to much to handle, Makr had a way to always cause them to fly. Mark had a way that even the slightest things would make hyucks heart race, and his cheeks blush. Everything was good, Mark would text him heart races, mark would look at him blush. One day, that all changed and donghyuck hadn’t even realized. Mark would look at donghyuck and instead of his face creeping with red. He just gave mark a sad look full of defeat. His everyday began to feel like CTRL C CTRL V. Donghyuck still loved mark, but why didn't he feel like he used to.

 _Stage 2:Nerves_  
Donghyuck wasn’t sure when this started either, but he found himself getting increasingly annoyed by Mark’s every text. Being in a long distance relationship was hard, so very hard fro Donghyuck, he knew that from the moment he got into the relationship it would be like this yet, he was still ready. Each Text donghyuck got from mark would elicit an eyeroll from hyuck as he would pick up his phone and promptly put it back down. When donghyuck did feel like responding, it was either a simple  
“Sorry im just now seeing this, i was busy” or “haha” or even just “read”  
When Mark would snapchat him he would open them and not respond and when mark asked why, donghyuck would blame the connection. Donghyuck started hating whenever Mark would facetime him, because in Huck's mind he was wasting both of their times and he would rather be alone not talking to anyone. Mark would send playlists that donghyuck would say he would listen to and never would, because he didn’t like that type of music and there was no convincing him he would even bother liking it. He hated when Mark spam snapped him videos of his friends doing completely unfunny things that for some reason mark found funny. Heated whenever Mark would send him a snapchat and when donghyuck went back to look at stories the same snap would be there. He hated when mark sent video recordings of stupid conversations with is friends, and it eventaully all lead to donghyuck ignoring Mark, and preparing hislef for it to come up sooner or later in a conversation.

_Stage 3: denial and surge of emotion and confusion_  
There was no way donghyuck was falling out of love with mark, to donghyuck it seemed so selfish of him to even do it. He had spent weeks and trying to figure out how he really felt, he never told anyone how he felt until he couldn’t hold in his feelings, as he laid awake one night he sobbed and even though donghyuck was alone, he talked out loud because it was better than staying inside his mind.  
“I need help, I need someone to help me, help me understand how im feeling, because i'm lost” donghyuck cried to no one but the walls in his bedroom.  
Donghyuck had loved Mark, Mark was the perfect definition of boyfriend, he was caring so so caring, and he was just the perfect boyfriend, he was always listened to donghyuck when he rambled about anything that came to his head, he was always when donghyuck was feeling a hint of insecurities, Mark was always so open about their relationship, and that is where donghyuck began lacking, donghyuck wasn’t scared of what his friends, or his family would think, or even society, he was just scared in general and still so unable to decipher his feelings. Donghyuck began to weigh the fact that as he is nearing the beginning of his final year of high school, he is getting more and more busy, and as much and it ached donghyuck to admit this even if it was just out loud to himself, he didn’t want to be held down anymore by a distant relationship. Yet, donghyuck was scared to hurt Mark, the boy he shared his very first relationship with, the boy that never got angry with him no matter how upsetting donghyuck was. He didn’t want someone else’s heartbreak on his hands. Donghyuck felt helpless, so instead of pondering anymore, he simply thought of nothing and let himself fall asleep.

The next day donghyuck made a decision to tell someone, he turned to jeno, his best friend, the one person he knew would understand how he was feeling and give him a completely unbiased and nonjudgmental approach to help him.

Donghyuck:  
Have you ever been sad and the only way you feel like you can cope in that moment is to eat, even though you know you shouldn't eat

Jeno:  
yes.  
are you okay

donghyuck :  
yeah i’m just kinda sad

jeno:  
Do you wanna talk :(

donghyuck :  
Say you became friends with someone and you talked on a friendship basis for a few months and like then you kinda started to develop a slight crush on that person and then it kinda turned into more than like a friendship and you kept it a secret for like 6 months and like you really really liked this person, and a part of you still kinda does, but you don’t want to be in a relationship with that person anymore, because you aren’t ready but you also don’t wanna hurt anyone’s feelings so you hold all these feelings until eventually you can’t anymore and you have to ask advice because you are completely lost and don;t know what to do. Jeno please help me, i need help.  
Like i liked mark and we kinda sorta have a thing going, but i don’t want it anymore jeno

Before donghyuck could say anything jeno was facetiming him

“You’ve waited 6 months to tell me” jeno screamed  
“Yes”  
“Okay well, i kinda expected” jeno said smugly  
“Huh”  
“I kinda had a feeling you like boys, im not completly dumb an doblivious”  
“Haha yeah sure”  
“Being serious, you know what your heart is telling you hyuck, listen to it. I know this sounds cheesy, but you really need to listen to what your heart is telling you, if your heart is telling you that you don’t love Mark any more listen, if you still do, try to find that same spark you once had”  
“Jeno, i'm scared”  
“Of what”  
“Oh hurting him, i can’t hurt him and if break up with him it will crush him and I can't bring myself to do that, and im scared of giving my heart away to someone like that.”  
“It’s going to be okay hyuck, if he loves you, he’ll understand everything you have to say and be understanding, you can’t bypass heartbreak because it's going to happen one day, might as well learn how to deal, even if it means yours sad for a few days”  
“Jeno”  
“Thank you. I love you”  
“I love you too buddy”  
They spent the rest of the night talking on facetime until they couldn’t hold their eyes open, Donghyuck decided he was gonna talk to mark, he was going to end it for good.

_Step 4: confession_  
Donghyuck’s hands shook as he tried to type

Donghyuck:  
Are we okay?

Mark:  
Huh yeah i thought everything was okay, i thought you were mad at mean and that's why you’ve been so distant

Donghyuck:  
You haven't done anything wrong

Mark:  
I love you like so much and i can’t lose you

Donghyuck’s heart fell as he read this, he knew Mark would make this unbelievably hard, and this only raising his fear of breaking his heart.

Donghyuck:  
It’s just that we have gone days where we don’t talk, we don’t talk as much as we used to and i just want that back  
Donghyuck mentally cursed his finger out, he was doing exactly the opposite p she was originally trying to do and that break up with mark.

Mark:  
Yeah our communication is bad

Donghyuck laughed “sure he though, can't you tell i'm trying to distance myself for a reason”

Donghyuck:  
Yeah, we should work on it, ill work on responding more

Mark:  
So will i, i love you

Donghyuck: i love you too

And that is what began Donghuck’s 3 day state of complete and utter sadness, a type Donghyuck hadn’t been experienced in a while. 

Donghyuck hit his ultimate low, and in donghyuck’s mind for a dumb reason, he spent the next three days listening to the saddest songs he coudld find, and sleeping most of the day. He stayed off of his phone, and didn’t bother telling people he was taking a break. He gave short answers to questions and walked around with no motivation to reach a destination. He didn’t have the motivation to eat resulting in slight weight loss. The only thought in donghyuck’s mind was Mark, and how he felt stuck in a relationship, to the point of being unable to breathe, he wanted to talk, but at the same time he didn’t have the energy to talk, so he didn’t. Eventually Donghyuck forced himself to dress and take a walk, the hot humid air was horrible, but the sun on his skin made his brighten up a bit. He went home and ate. That night he called Jeno and talked to jeno. He felt like the cloud had risen, but still in the back of his mind, there was a burning feeling of the relationship he was trying to push to the back of his mind.

The next confrontation came a few days later, but this time, from Mark

Mark:  
I know we just talked about communication a few days ago, and im happy you did because it had been bothering me for a few days, I thought we would start to make things better and change, look i know i’m kinda annoying, but you never reply to my snaps and when you do open them its days later and you still don’t reply, im not blaming you for anything, I feel as though I am doing something wrong.

Donghyuck just stared at the message unable to find the words to say back, donghyuck almost left it on seen, the irony, but in donghyuck’s brain, it was too early to even start, but he responded with a response of half truth disguised as sincerity.

Donghyuck:  
You aren't doing anything wrong and im sorry if that's the way i’ve made you feel. I am usually busy or forget to respond, i'm always busy and im sorry if that is driving a wedge in between us, it’s been hectic lately with college tours and stuff and im just sorry that i’m not putting in the time into this relationship and im trying to figure things out, i’ve been distant to everyone

Mark:  
I just can’t lose you.  
I'm always here to talk whenever you feel stressed even if I can't fully understand what is going on

Donghyuck felt his heart fall again, there it was again “i can’t lose you” and donghyuck didn't even want to get into the other part because the only thing stressing him out is this relationship.

Donghyuck:  
You won't lose me, but i can’t promise im always gonna be there either, my whole life has been leading to this single school year, and im going to focus on it and if im busy you can’t be upset, i'm really trying mark, im not the best boyfriend but i'm trying

Mark:  
You’re the best boyfriend i have ever had and I know you're trying

They plan a “date” and donghyuck goes on about his day with the open promises he told to mark heavy on his mind and his heart aching for release.

_Stage 5: the break up_

It had only been a few days since Mark and Donghuck talked and planned their facetime date, Donghyuck had thought he would be able to fix things and things would all be okay then because even though his heart still ached, he thought he could easily work it all out. But ultimately after they went back to not talking even after that conversation where they said they would fix, donghyuck realized that their love was hopeless.

  


Donghyuck thought that after him and jeno talked about what hyuck should do a few weeks ago, jeno would never bring it back up, he was wrong. The conversation came out of nowhere. Normally during the summer, donghyuck would spend days even full weeks at jen's house, it was normal, donghyuck helped jeno clean and take care of his siblings, then him and jeno would make breakfast. It was normal, it was the one thing that donghyuck felt right even though something still felt off.

“You never ended it like you said you would do you” jeno asked looking at donghyuck as he walked over to the fridge.

“Nope” donghyuck said looking down as he stirred his cup of coffee. He could feel the disappointed look that went across his best friends face.

“Look i was going to i really was, but I backed out”

“You need to hyuck. Look as your best friend i’m not going to bullshit you, i'm going to tell you straight up ...”

Donhyuck jumped to sit on the counter as he watched jeno begin washing the dishes, he knew where this conversation would go before it began, and a part of donghyuck wasn't ready to face whatever bitter truth jeno had for him. 

“...first you are kinda leading mark on, you are kinda ignoring his feelings but at the same time hurting your own because you are so focused on not hurting someone, second, hyuck you wear your heart on your sleeve, and you suck at hiding how you feel, it sounds like you text in a way that makes him believe he did something, and I know that it's just your feelings that your scared to show….”

Donghyuck sat and looked at his hand or just drank his coffee, he knew what he was doing and jeno was right, he was doing it because he can’t express his feelings.

“....you let all these feelings bottle up and now you can’t hide them, hyuck, did you ever even like him”

Donghyuck looked up at jeno deep in though, donghyuck never thought about if he ever loved mark in that way, or was he just so tired of being alone that the moment he found someone who loved him as more than a friend, he tricked himself into believing that he was in love. Donghyuck did like mark at some point though.

“Yes” donghyuck said definitely causing a slight eye raise from jeno

“I really did, everything was okay until like April, when I stopped feeling the same way”

“What happened”

“Jeno, i don’t know, all of a sudden, I just didn’t want to be with him in that way, but I couldn't bring myself to end it. I let it al simmer until eventually everything would get on my nerves”

Jeno stopped and just kinda looked at donghyuck. 

“You know, this is kinda like me and jaemin” jeno said 

“I didn't like him, he gave me bad vibes” donghyuck said now in the process of making eggs

“Yeah, anyway, we had been friends forever and i really liked him, them eventually it got toxic, hyuck he was jealous of you”

“What”

“yeah , he swore we were like dating”

Donghyuck laughed at that, as much as donghyuck loved jeno, he could never date him, that would end it both of them killing each other, and donghyuck would much rather keep his sanity.

“Beside that, it was the same situation, i was always sad, we were just tired of each other, so i ended it”

Donghyuck remembers hat breakup perfectly, he was shocked that jeno had dealt with it so well, and he hoped that heartbreak would never again happen to jeno, but at the same time, at this point he knew it was an evivitable thing.

They finished breakfast and fed the entirety of jeno’s siblings, before returning to their conversation.

“So, what are you gonna do” jeno asked while cleaning up breakfast

“End it, ill do it tonight, so i can have you for emotional support”

Deep down in donghuck’s brain he had been going through the breakup process for months now, but now was the time to face it.

  


That night donghyuck and jeno sat in jeno’s room, jeno was preoccupied by his phone so donghyuck was left to his own brain, he was ready. Donghyuck typed his ultimate goodbye to mark

> _I'm so sorry that I was always so busy that I couldn't put the same energy into this relationship you had, i'm sorry if i caused a dent in our relationship that we can’t fix no matter how hard we try, im sorry i’ve caused you hurt and confusion, and ultimatly im sorry that we can’t go on. We both have been keeping feelings from each other, we both have tried to communicate and fix things that were wrong but every time it ended up that same way, we are going in circles and I think at this point we are just tired. Mark, i’m so tired. I know you say your don’t want to lose me, and you won’t because even though we cant be together we can be friends. You were my first love, and for that I will be forever grateful, thank you for loving me. I’m sorry for everything._

Donghyuck pressed the send button and instead of facing the aftermath full on, donghyuck muted his phone, he didn’t know why, but he did, because he donghyuck sat in the bedroom of his best friend, with someone's heart fallen him in hands, a heart that he knew he hurt, and donghyuck needed a few minutes to think. Donghyuck wanted to cry, instead he sat and stared and forced the tears to leave and instead, he allowed a smile onto his face, a smile that was sad, and happy, and free.

Jeno had left the room to grab donghyuck a towel to shower, donghyuck went to the laundry room.

“I did it” donghyuck said excidelty

“Did you really” jeno said giving donghyuck a smile 

“yeah , I don't feel as sad as i thought i would”

“That's good. Congrats on your first heartbreak, your heartbreaker”

Donghyuck finally checked his phone after his shower

Mark:

You don’t have to apologise to me

I'll be okay, i'll miss us

Donghyuck:

I'm sorry we couldn’t make it work, but thank you for understanding

Mark:

I would love to still have you in my life, i just need time though right now 

Donghyuck: 

Take as much time as you need, ill be here waiting

That was the last text message he sent, Mark never even opened it. Donghyuck felt at peace.

  
  


_Stage 6: healing_

Something back a few days ago told donghyuck he was okay, that he was much happier now.

He wasn’t.

For donghyuck, he wasn’t exactly sure what was wrong, when he thought about it and came to one conclusion, he settled upon the fact that he was lonely. Sure he had jeno, but before he ended it with mark he either texted mark or jeno, and now he only has jeno, and that made him sad.

Jeno tried to comfort him by saying things like 

“I don’t talk to anyone either”, but in reality it kinda made donghyuck upset. No one told donghyuck was post break up was like, because he thought that since he was okay after he would just settle on being single, and he would be okay, but also no one tells you that the hardest part of any break up isn't the breakup, its relearning to live without the person who had became your everyday"

Donghyuck hated this feeling.

He felt that everytime he texted jeno he was being clingy, but at the same time he would be upset when jeno didn’t respond. That would lead to a feeling of jealousy, not because of jeno, in particular, but because, jeno had a relationship that she was happy and that they both shared the same mutual feelings and they would text all day, he also was jealous of the fact that he was so liked, and had group chats and other friends to talk to. He was beyond selfish for feeling that way, but he couldn’t help it. Donghyuck did try to talk to people but most of the time they would stop talking to donghyuck after a few exchanges, which hurt donghyuck more.

Going to jeno’s was a relief but at the same time made the loneliness feel heavier, most of the time was spent on their phones and when donghyuck tried to start a conversation it wouldn’t go far because jeno would utter short responses or grumble or even sound annoyed, so donghyuck stopped talking and refreshed his twitter for the 5th time. Usually donghyuck wouldn’t mind when jeno facetimed renjun, but this time, it hurt, of course he would never tell that to jeno who asked if it bothered him donghyuck just assured he was okay, and then he turned to his side and watched youtube, then he went to sleep.

  


Donghyuck knew that the process was hard, but something in him felt like he was going to be stuck in this feeling forever. Even after his burst of confidence came, followed by his downfall of insecurities, still with the loneliness led donghyuck back to his sad song playlist. 

Donghyuck wasn’t sure when he would be completely happy in the way that he wanted to or he thought he would, he knew that it was a process and right now was the worst part, because he knows that no matter what he has himself and that was all he needed.

  


**Author's Note:**

> love isn't easy, it's not meant to be, if you feel unhappy in a relationship you need to leave. Its okay to be upset by a breakup and you need to take as much time as you need to cope with it. don't hold in your feelings tell them to someone, it makes it better, i promise, the most important part of any breakup or any relationship is to make sure you love yourself, you are all you will ever need.  
> 8/7/19  
> i edited the last 2 stages and i tried to make it so every one understood donghyuck and his thoughts, it was super hard to write so im sorry if its hard to write, i had too many emotions going on at the time. please enjoy!  
> feel free to ask any question you have in the comments or in my curious cat [curious cat](https://curiouscat.me/ultomorrow)
> 
> follow my twitter that i don't really use, but i have a really cute carrd to look at [ultomorrow](https://twitter.com/ultomorrow)


End file.
